Tuesday, February 19, 2013

ONE DAY MORE: THE OSCAR VERSION

Billy Crystal’s not the only one who can read minds. I’ve written some new lyrics to show you what our nominees will be thinking on the day BEFORE the ceremony - when there's ONE DAY MORE to go. For those who don’t have the song memorized, I’ve included the film’s version here so that you can listen along as you read. Enjoy!




One Day More! (The Oscar Version)

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS
One day more!
Another role for the Academy.
This method-acted road to Oscar three;
I play a president who died,
My statue must not be denied.

STEVEN SPIELBERG:
One day more!

ANNE HATHAWAY:
Tom Hooper let me cry and scream,
He cut my hair and tore my dress up,

TOM HOOPER:
One day more.

HATHAWAY & HUGH JACKMAN:
He said he’d let us dream a dream,
And even shoot it all in close-up.

JESSICA CHASTAIN, EMMANUELLE RIVA & QUVENZHANE WALLIS:
Chastain: Can’t we reward strong women?
Riva & Wallis: Will Oscar make history?
Chastain: Even those that are directors?
Riva & Wallis: For the young or for the old?
Chastain: Find Osama Bin Laden,
Riva & Wallis: Give our indie films a chance!
Chastain: Lose to manic pixie girl.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN, TOMMY LEE JONES, ALAN ARKIN, CHRISTOPH WALTZ, ROBERT DE NIRO:
HOFFMAN: Who will be the master now?
JONES: I looked better in the wig.
ARKIN: They picked me over John Goodman.
WALTZ: Momentum is on my side!
JONES: Twenty years now since I won.
WALTZ: Good thing Leo isn’t here!
DE NIRO: Do I really need a third?

THE WORLD:
You’ve won before, so no one cares!

BENH ZEITLIN:
One day more!

BEN AFFLECK:
Though you snubbed me as director,
I will claim your highest prize!
I will beat out Steven Spielberg,
Bring tears to Matt Damon’s eyes!

DAVID O. RUSSELL:
One day more!

BRADLEY COOPER & JENNIFER LAWRENCE:
Rom-coms can be good.
Rom-coms can have themes.
Love can cure all illnesses and it is free!
Do a little dance.
Football helps a bunch.
Our films have made millions so you must love us!

ALL THE TECHNICAL NOMINEES (IN TWO GROUPS):
1: We are really quite important.
2: Though you don’t know who we are!
1: They will cut our speeches short.
2: Even when we’re still talking!
1: All nominees should be honored.
2: There's an Oscar to be won!
1 & 2: We get to hear Adele sing!

ANG LEE:
I’ll win the most! From all the techs!

MICHAEL HANEKE:
Un jour de plus!

SETH MCFARLANE (IN FOREGROUND)
I am here to entertain you.
I’m a hit among the youth.
I’ll be better than James Franco.
And I promise that’s the truth.

(IN BACKGROUND) BENH ZEITLIN, SALLY FIELD,
TOMMY LEE JONES, KATHRYN BIGELOW:
ZEITLIN: I’m still the new kid on the block,
FIELD & JONES: Coattails can be good. Coattails work just fine.
BIGELOW: The boys locked me out again!
ZEITLIN: But Beasts is really quite impressive.

KATHRYN BIGELOW:
One day more!


AMY ADAMS & JOAQUIN PHOENIX (IN FOREGROUND)
Always nominees
Never get the gold.
They won’t honor us
Until we both get old.

(IN BACKGROUND) NAOMI WATTS, HELEN HUNT,
JACKI WEAVER, DENZEL WASHINGTON
WATTS: I cried more than Hathaway
HUNT: Did you even see my film?
WEAVER: Two noms is quite good for an Aussie.
WASHINGTON: One more Oscar for the mantel, 
Guess that wouldn’t be so bad.

SALLY FIELD:
We'll see just how much they like me.

QUENTIN TARANTINO:
Tomorrow isn’t far away,
Tomorrow they’ll give me screenplay.

ALL:
Tomorrow we'll discover
What our God Harvey Weinstein has in store!

ALL THE MEN:
One more bow.

ALL THE WOMEN:
One more gown.

ALL:
One day more!
.

8 comments:

  1. LOL!! NICE!! :D

    I appreciate seeing the lighter side of "Never Too Early" here! :D Funny stuff man, I laughed out when I got to Un jour de plus!

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    1. Thanks Dan! I almost did the same for Ang Lee, but decided that might be overkill, and that the French would fit better as people sang along.

      Besides, if Seth McFarlane doesn't work out, maybe they'll try me next year!

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  2. Ahah!! This is awesome David, great stuff man! That Ben Affleck one is awesome, he's going down in history as the one director who benefits most from being snubbed!! That Matt Damon line is a nice touch!

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    1. Thanks Ruth! I knew that I had to give Affleck part of Javert's lines, being a bit of a spoiler and all. And if someone had told me five years ago that Affleck might win his second Oscar before Damon did, I would have thought they were nuts!

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  3. Absolutely brilliant! I'm in tears, from laughing of course...

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    1. Thanks my friend! It was a lot of fun to write!

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